Diary of a madder, fatter girl

Happy, happy day. The stress of three little boys bored out of their skulls is really getting to me . . . but I am holding off on too much food binging today after yesterday’s caloric catastrophe. This morning greeted me with one cup of coffee immediately followed by an ice cold Mountain Dew. Immediately followed by another cup of coffee. I have the best will power in the morning – I can hold off on eating until 1 pm as long as I am drinking. To all you naysayers out there, yes, there are calories in drinks and yes they are empty. I am gleaning no nutrition from these drinks but they are tricking me into feeling full, allowing myself to eat less – and let’s be clear on one thing – my choices in what I put in my mouth are poor! So . . . the calories in my coffee and Mountain Dew are decidedly fewer that the calories I’d ingest if I chose to eat instead of drink. The only problem with my will power is that it drastically decreases as my self-tolerance diminishes. By afternoon, I am ravenous not for sustenance, but for comfort. Mmmm, greasy burger. Mmmm, butter pecan ice cream. Mmmmm, cold fried chicken. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, cream cheese. You know, it’s like “Calgon, take me away.” Only, “Calories, comfort my soul.” And just like Calgon, calories cannot take away one’s troubles. But unlike Calgon, calories will create new ones.

When I did begin eating today, it was with a sensible and agreeable Caesar salad. I even went easy on the shredded parmesan cheese and dressing. So really, I ate a plate full of lettuce. It was really delicious. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the idea of healthful eating. I slowly and methodically chewed my leafy greens, commending myself on an awesome choice. My son, always the scavenger of food that does not belong to him, took half of the croutons off my plate, yet again saving me calories. I was actually happy to part with them! I was totally into mindful eating. Until my plate was clean. Clean as a whistle clean because I wanted more and used my finger to wipe up the last little bit of dressing. Hey, if I’m counting these calories I might as well eat them, right?! I was at a loss. My stomach was actually growling after eating, like, two cups of lettuce. Looking around, I saw there was only one apple left in the fruit bowl (Hubby actually had me do the grocery shopping this week. Idiot. We are out of everything right now.) I thought I could sneak it until Son walked in and saw it in my hand. “Oooh, is that my apple?” No apple for me.


The pantry was no better than the fruit bowl with empty cereal boxes on the floor amid random Goldfish crackers. I knew what I wanted – Ritz crackers with cream cheese and raspberry chipotle sauce – but I also knew that I shouldn’t. But I did. Thirteen crackers, ¼ cup of cream cheese, and a slathering of sauce.  Anyone want to tally those calories for me?