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Shy Writer
Author of "Life's Not All French Fries and Rainbows" and other self-defeating prose
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
False Start, 3-Hour Delay
Have you ever had one of those mornings where you think to
yourself that you should rewind the day and start over? That was my Saturday. For such an anticipated day, I just
could not get anything right.
After a few days of fun and consequently little sleep, I awoke
on Saturday excited for the very last flag football game of the season. I rushed Number Two around (where are
your cleats? Eat your
breakfast. Did you brush your
teeth yet? Find your water bottle. Your hoodie goes under your football jersey!
What good is your jersey if no one can see it?) and practically pushed
him out the door, preparing for my hubby to drive him to practice and swing
back to pick us up for the Big Game.
I had big plans – hot chocolate, blankies, hats and mitts . . . I had to
get moving and in order to do that, Number Two needed to be ready and waiting
for Big Daddy.
“I want to see cleats on your feet and your mouth guard in
your mouth!” It was not the first time I said it, so it came out a little
nasty. Number two stood there;
whining, saying, ”meeehhhh, but I don’t know
where they are. Mom! Find them for me.”
“I didn’t wear them.
I will not find them for you.” Umm, why do I ever say things like
this? Still Number Two stood
there.
“NOW! You’re going to be late. Do you want to be the last one on the
field? Maybe your coach will make
you do pushups. Nah. Forget it. You can be late.
I’ll bring my camera to take pictures of your pushups and post them on
facebook.” That worked. He was out the door in a flash, looking
for the cleats and mouth guard that are always kept in the van. (In my family, this strategy works out
exceptionally well, as sometimes I have to lift a child or two, kicking and screaming,
into the van. This way, we never forget shoes. Or socks. Or
chips.)
Two excruciatingly long minutes later, in walked a pathetic
looking crying child with one untied cleat on and one in his hand. “I can’t find my mouth guard!”
Double damn. I
put off buying a second one in case we ever lost the first, and I was doing so
well . . . of course this would happen for the last game.
My nerves were shot.
It was five minutes until they had to leave to make it there on time, I
still had to fill his water bottle and tie his shoes. Number Three was yelling for “mo ce-we-oh,” hubby was
dressed and bathing in cologne and I was a mess of bed head, jammie pants and
hole-y sweater. Not to mention the
lack of coffee because of the perpetual case of chaos that morning. My annoyance kicked into high gear when
I spied, just seconds after he whined about not finding his guard, Number Two
sitting on the floor with his iPod.
“GET IN THE VAN AND LOOK NOW!” I bellowed. He
ran. Surprisingly.
We turned the van inside out – I even pulled open the
stow-and-go. Nothing. I checked in the netting behind the
seats. Nothing. We looked under the car seat. Nothing but crushed Goldfish crackers. I checked his coat pockets form the
coat he wore at the last practice.
Nothing. I had him do a
play-by-play of his movements following his last practice. Nothing that made sense. Big Daddy checked the dryer (really??),
the backpacks and the shoe bin. I checked the garbage, the junk drawer (twice)
and the toy box. Number Two had a
few false memories (unsurprising and very fitting) about taking it outside,
downstairs and to his room. After
twenty minutes of this we gave up and agreed he wouldn’t even go. He couldn’t play without the guard and
there was no time to go and get a new one, boil it and fit it and still make it
to practice (and it was the last game anyway).
With my shoulders slumped, I walked out to the van to close
the doors and saw his coat on the ground . . . the same coat I had already
checked. Guess what I found? Yessir, right there in the pocket. I felt about a foot tall (nothing new there). I spent a lot of time that morning
chastising him for not being responsible about something so important and there
it was, in a perfectly acceptable spot.
Big Daddy and Number Two raced off to make the last half of
practice and I raced around getting dressed and puling out the warm gear for
the undoubtedly windy, 44-degree football field. Just as I had everything ready and the water on to boil for
the hot chocolate, my phone rang.
Big Daddy's voice on the other end of the line had a hint of a smile when he said, ‘Hey, there is no one on the field. Like no one. Like there are tumbleweeds blowing
around.”
Wha? That can’t
be. The fields should be full. It’s
Saturday right? I looked at the
calendar. Yep. It was
Saturday. But the game time on my calendar
said we were three hours early for the game. It figured. All
the stress, all the discipline, all for naught.
So there Number Two and I were nearly three hours later, parked at the field and twenty minutes early to the actual practice time. We watched as kids were dropped off to
their games, running across the frigid field in winter coats with their team
shirts on over and then tucked in to their pants, hats and hoods flying off
their heads as the wind blew. We
searched the field for his team color in vain. Five minutes before practice time I started to seriously wonder
where his team was. Five minutes
after practice was supposed to start I started to wonder if I screwed up
again. That‘s when I spotted his
coach just standing in the parking lot, looking around. I told Number Two to run out and ask
where his team was. He grabbed his
things (super responsible all of a sudden) and bolted to his coach. His coach yelled to me that he was
going to delay practice a half hour and would keep my little player in his van
with any other kids that might show up.
Okay, I thought, but I didn’t understand what he meant by “might show up.” Shouldn’t they all be here by now? Of course, that confusion was cleared up when I saw that I had a voicemail on my
way home. “Hi, it’s the assistant
coach for the football team. It’s
too cold for the kids to practice too long, so please don’t show up until
1:30.” Yup. There it is.
As if all that wasn’t enough, after I went back home to pick
up the rest of the family, we were ten minutes late getting back to the
game. We are never late. Ever. It was in the stars for this day, though.
As we traipsed across the field and behind parents wrapped
in wool blankets and kids under makeshift blanket tents to block the incessant wind,
I caught a glimpse of a bright blue hoodie tearing down the field. Parents were cheering and clapping and
I whipped around, camera around my neck but not at the ready. I saw a little dark-haired guy in a blue
hooded sweatshirt make a touchdown and amid all the cheering, I yelled, ‘that
was Number Two! I missed it! His first touchdown! I missed it!” My heart was in two places at the same time. My excitement/disappointment was
cycling all over my face.
I readied the camera in the hopes of getting a post-first-touchdown
smile and froze a little in immediate embarrassment. That blue-clad boy was not my son, but my son’s best friend
who was playing opposite him that day and wearing the same layer beneath his
jersey (which was green and not gray like my son’s, adding more ridiculousness
to the entire situation). I got a
picture anyway, and then many more of Number Two’s bestie making multiple
touchdowns.
What crappy parent is actually relieved that it wasn’t her
son making a touchdown?! As much
as I’d love for him to feel that exhilaration, I’d hate myself for missing that
moment on film. My priorities may
be a little skewed, but I learned some very valuable lessons that day:
1)
I won’t ridicule a child unless I am absolutely
certain they, and I, looked everywhere first. And when it’s warranted, I’ll have no shame yelling about irresponsibiity.
2)
I should check my voicemail often.
3)
I should find out all the information before
cheering for my son, by name, for a touchdown he didn’t make. And if I do make that mistake, I should
follow up with cheering for the kid that actually made the touchdown.
4)
Calendars are only useful if they are referred
to in a daily basis. Cameras,
too.
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Secret to Well-Behaved Kids
I just read an article about the secret to well-behaved
kids. Of course I read that article. Probably every mom that came across that
news link read that article, hoping to attain the secret. Is it medication? Drugs? Regular beatings?
A sugar-free diet? Private
school? No. It’s a real letdown of a secret: a
regular bedtime.
Are you kidding me?!
My children (and yes, I know they probably aren’t the best example for
this argument) go to bed at the same time every night. In an attempt to create
a more harmonious household, I thought this year the kids should have a better
bedtime routine; a la bedtime snacks at a set time, showers at a set time, tooth
brushing at a set time, stories at a set time and bed at a set time. With the implementation of this
difficult-to-live-by-at-the-end-of-the-day-because-I-have-no-more-patience-left schedule, bedtime is now my favorite time of day
(after they are sleeping, of course)! I can’t stand when I (I mean the kids) miss a second of
their sweet slumber. Not because of
their bad behavior the next day, but because that is MY time. My time to paint my nails, watch hours
of bad TV (and good TV, too, I’m an equal opportunity watcher), read, play laser tag with the cat, drink as
many cups as I want of piping hot tea without the worry that someone will a) spill it on
themselves or b) want to share . . . Seems I’m a
bit of a loser. Huh. It makes up
for the hours during the day when I’m picking up a dish of half-chewed grapes
from beneath the table, a bag of Goldfish crackers from the bathroom (god, boys
are so gross), countless pairs of dirty socks (and when did their cute toddler
feet turn into man feet? I
literally pinch the socks with the tips of my fingers and try not to touch too
much of them with my bare skin), empty plastic cups from the yard, Band-Aid
wrappers sprinkled from one room to another, candy corn smushed into the
carpet, Pringles littering the garage floor, etc. They need their sleep to rejuvenate themselves, and I need
their sleep to rejuvenate me from their daily and nightly shenanigans.
Case in point, yet again: last night, the little guy rolled on the floor for ten
minutes, screaming and kicking because I wasn’t going to let him have the iPad
right before bed. The cat got
kicked (okay, accidentally, but still), the candle fell from the end table and
the entire pile of folded laundry on the floor was knocked over. My fault for letting it sit there since
eleven am.
Anyway, he is no stranger to the bedtime routine. Every night at 6:50 pm, I warn him that
he has ten minutes until bed. “How
many books, one or two?”
“Two!”
“A big milk or a little milk?”
“Big milk!” Big as in one inch of milk in the bottom of the
glass. In my experience with
multiple boys, one should not actually give a kid a literal "big milk" at bedtime. Unless they have an expensive mattress
protector. One that actually
works.
I even go as far as to employ a special parenting philosophy
I read about a while back (1-2-3 Magic) – if you give a kid choices that you already agree
to, they feel that they are in charge and the power struggle one may expect
will actually vanish. It works, if
you’re not me and use it correctly (meaning, say only the choices and nothing
more. Don’t go on and on and on,
warning and bickering and changing your mind like me).
Even though the choices went off without a hitch, he was
still crying and fit throwing, begging for the iPad, which I knew would cause
another fit when it was time to turn it off.
“Do you want to run up the stairs or walk up the
stairs?” I asked, hoping to turn
the night around.
“iPad poopy.”
“Okay, my choice.
I choose that you walk up the stairs.” Again, a little tidbit from a book. When the kid doesn't make a choice, you make it for him.
“Poop up the stairs.”
Baaa! At what
point can I give up? When can I
have the hissy fit?! Is all this
really necessary? Am I really
expected to continue having a conversation with no one, essentially?
He was watching me with a defiant glint in his eye. His foot was inching toward the base of
the coffee table – one good thrust and the glass top would be the glass
bottom. “Poop.” One word and all I
can think is: Is this what my life has become? Must I be the hostage negotiator, hoping to get the coffee
table out in one piece?
“Walk. Up. The. Stairs.”
I said, pointing. What a
joke. How can one make a child walk? Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of
experience with trying and have some shin bruises and dents in the walls to
show for it.
In the end, as the youngest child is often the martyr, he was carried up the stairs, kicking and screaming and sobbing about his loss of reading
time and unceremonious tuck-in.
The elder two watched in disappointment, as well they should have. There is not
a chance in heck of them getting away with anything on a grab and carry
night. Sometimes you just gotta
take matters into your own hands.
Literally.
This bedtime/behavior study has me flummoxed. Are kids really better behaved with a regular bedtime? If so, mine should be pretty good. But . . . there’s always that trip to the
store where two kids are physically fighting before we get inside, one runs off
and hides in the racks, one is crying because they were counted down to no
treat, one pushes the cart into my heels (three times in one trip. And not accidental.), and yet another
feels the need to take the opportunity in public to tell me of all my
shortcomings as a mother. There's aways the youngest locking his friends out of our house or the older two sneaking off to the neighbor's and playing Minecraft on a school night.
Bedtimes here are sacred, but certainly not the path to
enlightenment and perfect kids. Sometimes
I even think my kids would be better behaved in the mornings . . . while they
are still asleep . . . so I wonder if I should allow them to stay up later?
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Bad Things To The Third Power
My
littlest guy and I sat outside in the warm October sun this afternoon. He cuddled on my lap for no good reason
for a good fifteen minutes before the ants in his pants took over. He bumped the table and spilled hot
tea, he knocked my brand spankin’ new book to the ground (Follow me on Goodreads!) and he missed stepping on
the same sugar-fiending wasp by millimeters about twenty times. As I was stressing about the impending
sting and wondering if we should just go inside, I ruminated on the old saying,
“bad things happen in threes.”
My most
memorable taste of the physical destruction of boys happened when my second monkey
was nearly two. He was
jump-jump-jumping on the bed and just when I told him to stop, he fell off and
cracked his eyebrow on the corner of the dresser. I saw red – literally.
Blood was running everywhere, he was screaming and I was sweating it – a
trip to the ER with a hyper and hurt toddler was going to be anything but fun. Surprisingly, as rambunctious as this
boy normally was, he was calm and still for the entire episode of the show I
was watching – “Stitch: The Big Owie”.
It was mere months after that that the same boy ran head first into a
corner, creating a gash (no stitches this time!) and a h-u-g-e goose egg right
on the middle of his forehead. As
if that wasn’t enough pain for him, a few days later he backed into a roaring woodstove,
sans diaper, and burnt his little baby butt cheek. I have a picture of this, but isn’t it unsavory to post a
picture of a little boy’s bare booty on the internet?
It
seemed that my life was going to follow the saying and I was given a reprieve
for a few years until both my older
boys suffered from Lyme disease.
Yeah, what are the chances that these bacteria would infect both boys at the same time?
Imagine my surprise when they woke with crazy bull’s-eye rashes all over
their bodies and suffered debilitating body aches and fevers . . . lo and
behold, Lyme disease was the culprit for both (don’t tell my dad that,
though. Although three blood tests
came back positive, one for each boy and one for the naysayer himself, he still
claims it hogwash).
It
was another year of a peaceful owie break before all hell broke loose. For real. Looking back, I don’t know how I stayed in one mental
piece. In the course of one week,
I was in the ER twice with two
different children and could very well have been in three times had I not been
more embarrassed than certain that my child needed emergency medical care.
Day
One: Aforementioned middle monkey doubles
over in pain hours after eating an entire tin of chewable mints (but I didn’t
know that little factoid until it was unnecessary), screaming that he is going
to “blow up”. A CAT scan, four
wasted hours and a few thousand dollars later the kid is giggling and grinning
as he is blasting gas out of his nether regions at a rate even the surgeon
couldn’t believe – though that didn’t stop that classy guy from making jokes
about my monkey’s talent. Imagine
my embarrassment. Here I was
thinking his appendix had ruptured and all he had was gas.
Day
Four: Baby is running through the dining room like the madman he was when
BAM! Smack into yet another corner
of yet another wall with yet another goose egg. It must run in the family. Trip number two to the ER results in another few hundred
dollars long gone and three stitches – not to mention the discomfort and poor
confidence in my parenting skills when the same doctor from the last visit enters
the room and recognizes me, a la, “Hey, I know you.” Puzzled glance at the
chart. “This isn’t the same kid .
. .” Puzzled glance at me.
Day
Five: Same baby launches himself off the table and bites through his lip. Listen to my phone conversation: “You
need to get home now. Baby’s
bleeding again and someone else has to take him to the ER. I can’t see the same doctor three times in one week!” I was borderline hysterical. After dad arrived, we determined that he
probably didn’t need a trip to the doctor just yet. Or, to be brutally honest, we determined that neither one of
us wanted to go back a third time and possibly suffer the shame of inattentive
parenting.
Day
Six: Again, the same little guy (at this point, the reader ought to know that
he was almost two, which should explain everything to those who have had two-year-old
boys) climbs onto a fire hydrant and tries unsuccessfully to jump off. End result? Two big scrapes on his
thighs.
Day
Seven: (Need I even mention who this is about?) Yes, the baby fell and bit through the almost healed part of
his lip. I probably could have
laughed that part off (oh, haha, another owie for the toddler! What next?!),
but then he opened a drawer in the bathroom while I was wringing out the bloody
washcloth for his mouth, found the tiniest
vial of sample perfume and sprayed that sucker directly into both of his eyes. I
sat in the corner and cried . . . after washing out his eyes for what seemed
like an eternity. Trust me, that was
no small feat and deserved the tears shed by the both of us. Mothering can be a thankless job.
In
the tentative end of all the commotion of destruction, as we’ve been pretty
lucky for the past few months, I smile about the comment the doctor made after
she handed the littlest monkey a sucker after taking out his stitches. “Just don’t fall and split it open
again!” Are you serious?! If she knew what had gone on since
those stitches came out, she’s be prescribing me Xanax like candy and offering
the kids ten pound bags of pixie sticks because after all, the same way the
sucker was a peace offering, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down -
or in our house, dulls the pain - in the most delightful way! And with three boys, I’m potentially
looking at nine bad things happening at a time. Now where’s my Xanax prescription?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Baa! After writing this, Taylor Swift's "22" is stuck in my head!
Yesterday was my birthday. Thirty-two.
When I was twenty-two, that seemed so old. Not old like granny glasses
and a housecoat, but old like granny panties and mom jeans. I guess I wasn’t so far off with my one
hundred percent cotton nude-colored hipsters and Wal-Mart jeggings. At twenty-two, I thought anyone over
the age of twenty-nine must have it all figured out – a house, insurance, fancy
car, shiny hair, well-manicured nails, fashionably dressed kids and don’t get
me started on responsibility (teachers!
Having to deal on a weekly/daily basis with teachers scared me to
death!). What I didn’t think about
was that the process of aging had really begun way back then, and reared its
ugly head right around the ripe, responsible age of thirty . . . and kept going. It never occurred to me that I was
going to age at all. At one point around
twenty-five I thought about using eye cream, then laughed at myself. I’m not laughing anymore. Shoulda coulda woulda.
As I sit here typing away with my semi-arthritic hands and
dual carpal-tunnel syndrome (and the heating pad at my lower back), I glance at
my brittle nails (one of which broke last night at this same keyboard) and
admonish myself for not doing a better job keeping up with even the most minute
beauty routines; after all, the more work you put in, the more you get out of a
job well done. I keep my toenails
painted and wear makeup every day, but neither of these is done well. As a matter of fact, I only recently
found out that I was doing all my makeup backwards and incorrectly. How do I get to be thirty-two without
knowing that concealer goes on after the foundation? Or that I should be wearing a primer before foundation as
opposed to not at all? Or that
they (being the beauty powers that be) make something called eyebrow powder
that one can brush into and on top of eyebrows to make sparse, fine brows look well
kept? Or that bronzer is a product
that women use to look healthy and not just tanned. And here I was thinking only Teresa
from RHONJ used bronzer (and we all know she uses every other product out there, all at the same time and mostly on her eyes. Will we ever get to see her sans makeup?).
As I blow dry my hair stick straight solely to make it look like I am at least attempting some semblance of "getting ready" and use hairspray only to tame my flyaways at my
forehead to keep me from looking like Alfalfa, I am reminded that I am light years away from twenty-two (I don’t
know about you, but I’m feeling thirty-two
oooh-oooh ooh-ooh.). No teasing,
no braiding, no texturizing and no awesome products in this hair. Not even a decorative barrette, unless
you, like me, think a plain bobby pin is accessorizing. And jewelry? Only on rare occasions will I change my earrings from my
small studs that exist to cover up the pierce holes to something a little more
fancy, like the Meijer $3-on-clearance dangly rock-looking ones I seem to favor.
Don’t get me started on the difference in clothing, either. I’ve never been a fashion horse, but I
think there was a time in my mid-twenties when I had a little more
self-respect. Cute jeans, tighter
shirts, heels. Now? The aforementioned jeggings are as
fashionable as I get. Sometimes
I’ll wear a pushup bra. And boots. That’s hot. But not just a pushup bra and boots. That’s not. Shudder. I recently
caught sight of my not twenty-two-year-old
body in the Kohl’s fitting room while I tried on cute dresses (no, I wasn’t
having fun. I was looking for a nice
interview outfit in the hopes that I find a job). Lo and behold, I must not have seen myself in a full-length
mirror in years because guess what I was surprised with? My thighs were folding over my knees
(just there I originally typed knewws.
See the eww, as in, gross?
Subconsious disgust). How
did I go all summer wearing shorts and feeling semi-decent about myself with
fat folds on my knees? (Jeez, did it again. Knewws. That’s
what I’ll call ‘em from now on.)
I’m old now.
Time for wrinkle creams, gloppy moisturizers and wearing a scarf on my
head while I sleep to keep my fine, dry, elderly strands from breaking while I
toss and turn with aches and pains.
No more time in the sun for me.
The last two summers have given me four wrinkles on my upper chest and a
great many dirty birdy feet near my eyes.
I have melasma on my forehead and upper lip. I can’t jump on the trampoline without feeling every ounce
of my body jiggling around like pudding beneath my skin and without my back
aching for hours. I can wear only
sensible shoes now – flats, flip-flops, clogs and slippers (and all in
wides). I tried wearing heels the
other day for an important appointment and found myself carrying them while I
walked through three levels of a parking garage in my pantyhosed feet (that
dates me, too, doesn’t it? Does
anyone besides the Duchess of Cambridge wear pantyhose anymore?).
Enter my cousin-in-law Mariah – a gorgeous gal and creator
of the popular YouTube vlog, The Gal’s
Guide (http://www.youtube.com/user/thegalsguide) – a guide for fashion, beauty and all things in between, it
seems. Picture a beautiful Barbie
doll with brains, personality and all the beauty knowledge a single person
could possibly have . . . and then some.
Just what a thirty-two-year-old mama needs to freshen her look when she needs
it most. My favorite tutorial of
hers is her ‘no-makeup’ makeup look.
This is where I learned I am a four-year-old when it comes to beauty (watching
her curl her eyelashes was a real eye-opener for me. Pun intended).
Mariah is the epitome of fashionable. Every video finds her looking flawless and effortlessly put
together. She is what I aspire to
be in my down time (you know, when Hubby and I get to go on a date for about
four hours every six months or so and pretend we are stylish and modern and
young) and luckily for me, she gives lessons
on how I can be just like her. Her
vlog is my new obsession. Maybe
she can add a little something about how she stays so thin, or how her skin is
so perfect in the Florida sun and dry AC, or how a mama can do it all/have it
all without missing a beat, or how . . . never mind, now I just sound
jealous of her youth.
The point, if there has to be one, is that one cannot turn back the hands of time. Luckily there
are plenty of young women out there willing to help the elderly cross the road
or apply foundation with a brush.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Seeing 20/20
In a family with kids, weekends are less of an end-of-week
vacation and more of an opportunity to sneak in a few more chores and errands
(and tears). That is why I spent
the majority of a crisp, glowing Saturday afternoon under the rejuvenating
fluorescent lighting in the eye doctor’s office with both bigger boys. To them, it was an opportunity to get
something (like buy something.
Something new. They have a
problem with material possessions).
Number One repeatedly stated that he wanted glasses because they’d look so
cool with his long hair and braces (!!) and Number Two kept stressing that although
he wanted glasses, he didn’t want those things that go in your eyes. “Contacts?” I asked.
“Yeah, I don’t want anything touching my eyes.” He looked
out the window in a Focalin trance.
I should have known at that statement and the defeated body language
that there may be an issue in the near future, but I waved aside his discomfort
and laughed.
“Only bigger kids and adults get contacts! Don’t worry; nothing is going to touch
your eye. The eye doctor is the
easiest doctor to go to.”
“Am I going to get eye drops?” I could hear the worry and
once again, I chuckled.
Haha. Kid stress is hilarious.
“No. Why would
you get eye drops? You don’t have
pink eye.” Oh, woe is me for my
ignorance and failure to predict that what can go wrong, will. Of course he was going to get eye drops
– dilation is the only way in which an eye doctor can prescribe glasses for a
child with impaired vision. One
guess as to how I know that.
Their excitement over the possibility of glasses grew as we
neared the mall, as did their eyes as we walked past the indoor bungee jump and
it’s corresponding sign – ONLY $7.00 FOR FIVE MINUTES!!! “Mom! Can we do it? I know you’re going to take us after the
doctor! That’s a surprise,
right? If we’re good we get to
go.”
Hmm.
Noooo. Never crossed my
mind. And wasn’t going to
happen. “What is seven times
two? Sorry, no. Maybe another day you two can convince
Dad to bring you.” Passed the
buck.
Let me interject a little something here: I am a big
believer in fate and signs, though I don’t usually internalize those signs and
allow them to help me make decisions based on logic. Nope. I see
them - don’t get me wrong - and I count them as they lead up to whatever
climactic outburst is in my future, but I rarely heed their unspoken
advise. Case in point:
Sign #1: I went
the wrong way on the way to the eye doctor.
Sign #2: As we
walked up to the reception desk, the receptionist asked if I received their
message about my insurance (no, I didn’t get that message. I may have a problem with phones) –
yep, what can go wrong, will. They
couldn’t find us in the system and for sure the glasses wouldn’t be
covered. Sigh. The exam will, though, she told us, so
I breathed a little easier . . . until Number Two had to get the puff of air
test.
Sign #3: Unfortunately,
he watched his older brother do it and even though Number One laughed, Number
Two was whining and wiggling, saying, “Nooo. No. I won’t do
it. No.” I saw this coming a mile away. Four tries later, the tech was able to get his first
eye. Three more tries and the
second eye was done, though not without tears. I, being the no nonsense mom that I am, actually grabbed
him by the temples and held his head still, threatening to hold his eyelids
open if he wouldn’t stop closing them.
I was subconsciously practicing for the feared eye drops.
The eye doctor came in and determined Number One could see
at 20/20 or better – saved a bunch of money with that little blessing. Number Two, though, was deemed to see
at 20/40 and needed corrective lenses.
We figured as much, so not too much of a shock . . . until the doctor
brightly announced these words: “Okay, we’re almost done – if your mom agrees,
all we have to do now is put a few drops in your eyes so we –“
And the climax:
“No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Nooo!” I watched with slight surprise as a fully medicated Number
Two actually slid down the chair, hands on his eyes, crying already. “No drops. You said no drops.
You liar. You’re a
liar!! I hate you!”
“Hey, it’s gotta get done. No chance of getting out of it.” Ms. No Nonsense was in control, I kidded myself.
I knew, based on my experience with Number Two’s fits, that
with a little cajoling and perhaps even the dreaded bribe, I could get him to
relax enough to just take the eye drops, so I tried offering ice cream. I tried offering candy. I tried begging (please, just let her
put them in. They don’t hurt. Please.) and lost all
self-respect. The doctor tried
begging. I tried holding him down,
but being twenty pounds and 7 inches taller than the last time I needed to hold
him down really put a damper on my control. He nearly banged his head on the corner of the table, and
since I was struggling to keep his hands away from his face so the doctor could
squeeze the drops in, he started kicking his feet, missing the doctor’s thigh
by millimeters. The whole time he
continued to scream, “I hate you!
You’re a liar! Liar!”
Finally, I gave up the struggle and a light went on. “He has oppositional defiant disorder,”
I lamented, “do we have to do this?”
And that’s how I know a child needs to be dilated to obtain a
prescription. Every situation is a
chance to learn something new. “Is
there a m-a-l-e d-o-c here?” As if Number Two was three years old and
couldn’t spell. The doctor looked
at me, bewildered. “It’s not
personal, he just does better with men.
He usually just does what they say. They’re gruffer.”
I felt like an idiot saying it, but . . . I was at a loss. In hindsight, I should really be
reading all those helpful articles I signed up to have e-mailed to me from a
great ADHD website.
Enter a male optician, 40ish, blonde, soft-spoken, and
smiling. Not exactly what I was
looking for. I wanted someone tall,
dark and scary looking to sweep in and say, “Okay, we’re doing this. One drop, two and we’re done.” Nope. What I got was a sweet child-like man who did not want to
use force (probably the best thing anyway). He tried bribing with candy. He tried bribing with a mini field trip to the lab where he
made glasses. Still Number Two had
his hands on his eyes, crying and kicking – looking a little ridiculous alone
on the chair, fighting just the idea of something. The optician spent nearly fifteen minutes trying to convince
this ball of tears and squeals to just take the eye drops, during which time I dithered
between feeling crappy about the doctors’ wasted time and feeling crappy for
Number Two’s stress.
In the end, I did what any other self-respecting parent
would do. I caved. I asked for another appointment so that
Dad could bring him and I could take my flaming cheeks and get the h-e-double
hockey sticks outta there. Yeah, I
passed the buck again. Embarrassment
had never felt so deserved as I should have a) realized that special needs
require special prep and b) had a plan in place for the tantrum I should have
seen coming. But before I could go, the optician came up behind me and whispered
conspiratorially, “I even tried to pay for a bungee jump. No dice. Sorry Mom.”
Am I right to be doubly embarrassed that a perfect stranger
offered his own money to convince my child to do what his mom says? Was anything I did during this trip
right? Am I screwing up my kid?
Maybe the answer to the latter is one I don’t want to hear, as just this
morning I caught myself reminding (teasing, nagging) him that there are only
three more days until he gets the eye drops. And they might hurt this time.
Friday, October 4, 2013
A Single Pair of Shoes
This afternoon I sat in the kitchen, wearing my big girl
panties in expectation of the brawl sure to happen as the boys walked in from
school. Immediately, there was
arguing about a situation on the bus (yeah, this is everyday, nothing new
here), followed by, “Take that off the floor – I tell you every single day to
hang your backpack. Why can’t you
just follow the directions ONE TIME?” followed by, “Mom, this is my last
granola bar. I only had three
already, just this one. Why mom, whyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!! I’m very starving!
I didn’t get time to eat!!!!!!!!!”
Followed by, “I said it’s time for homework. Now pull your head out of your butt, take your finger out of
your nose and pick up that pencil!” Then this is usually followed by more
yelling (obviously not by just the
kids), threatening and finally tears.
Tears always. In the
past month (and strangely it is roughly the amount of time school has been in
session), I can say with complete confidence that I have cried every single weekday.
Sometimes it’s out of frustration,
but most of the time it’s shame – shame at how I handled a situation, shame
that I don’t know what to do, shame that I haven’t sought out the help we all
need, and shame that I always know that there is someone out there in this same
predicament who is handling all the same struggles with more grace than I’ve
been faking – and they are probably the real fricken deal. Graceful, that is.
I’m sure there are a lot of mothers of special needs kids (yeah, I consider ADHD and ODD special needs. Sue me.) who may read this and think, “so what?
You’re not so special – we all go through this, and you are actually
pretty lucky – the steady income from hubby’s job,
the health of the entire family, etc.” and to that I say, “Hah!” And, “You’re
right, I am lucky.” But at the
same time, those positives don’t necessarily deflect the negatives; they just
make dealing with the negatives a little less stressful with room to breathe
and focus on the behavioral issues and not hospital stays,
babies crying, daycare scheduling, etc.
Actually, if anything, the positives may tend to magnify the negatives
as one in a comfortable situation has nothing else to complain about, if you get my drift. But maybe I'm just a complainer.
But here we were again in my kitchen, this time hours after
homework. My
youngest was in bed for an hour already and it was only 8:30 (hey, sometime’s an
introvert’s gotta prioritize – I need my down time free of having to formulate
words when I don’t want to). My
two older ones were at the island counter, elbow deep in cereal and the proof was in the crumbs and mess all over. I
walked in with the intention of getting a cup of tea but was instead interrupted by half a milk footprint, a quarter cup of Special K with Red Berries
crushed into the grout, the open milk gallon on the counter, refrigerator door
open, and yep, there was the cat nosing all the way in the second shelf of the
frig, as if the rest of the activity wasn’t enough.
Son #1 (not as in NUMBER ONE! the favorite, as in number
one, the oldest): I have more milk
than you.
Son #2 (yeah, the middle child. And the one with ADHD.
And ODD.): BOOCHYKABOOCHYBOOCHYKOWKOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!. (This is screamed.
With a smile.)
Son #1: Moooooommmmmmm. His disgust with my silence immediately following his brother's outburst shames me into action, though he acts as if I wasn’t standing right there, head pounding and
cleaning up the mess they made.
Here comes my uncool moment . . . wait for it while they continue
arguing and I turn and find an empty glass just sitting on the kitchen floor
next to a pair of little shoes. It
might be the little shoes that push me over the edge, and why not? Something
was going to eventually. I had my bet on something son #2 did or said as is usually the case, but it seems he got a reprieve. 'Bout time.
“AAAAAAALLLLLLRRRRIIIGGGHHHT!!!!!! That’s it.
Snack is over. Get
upstairs.” My teeth were clenched,
so this came out as “Thatsh it.
Shnack ish over. Gt upshtairsh.” I had noticed the open kitchen window nanoseconds before opening my mouth, so I made sure to keep my voice down. Wouldn't want the neighbors to think I'm a screamer.
On our way upstairs, and yes I need to walk them up to make
sure son #2 actually put one foot in front of the other and moved toward a goal, I pass at
least five dirty socks, half a roll of toilet paper sitting on the catwalk
ledge (I can only imagine), and another empty glass. At least this time it was on the nightstand and not the
floor.
My blood was rushing, my cheeks hot, my hands clenched (yes,
all over that silly pair of shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor). Son #2 flings open his door, which
slams into the wall in the dark room, which is dark because his younger brother
was asleep in there, and promptly wakes him up.
I wanted to scream, and shout, and let it all out Will-I-Am
style but my brain was singing a PBS song (“When you’re so mad you could roar,
take a deep breath and count to four.” Works for kids, why can't I try it?)
Don’t yell, don’t yell, don’t ye-
“GO TO BED! All
of you, in bed, eyes closed, mouths shut.
No kisses. NOW!”
There is was.
The mean, spiteful, angry woman that hides below the translucent layer
of momness just climbed right up and out and tada-d herself to my kids. Did it solve anything? No. Did it teach a lesson?
Nah, not to the kids.
Me? Hell yeah. An hour after all that happened, I went
into each room to kiss them anyway and found a bedroom window opened. No biggie, normally, because my
antisocial doctor neighbors practically never made appearances outside their
home and always keep their windows closed tight against the dirty world. Except for tonight, apparently. As I closed the window, I noticed their
office window was wide open, light on, a figure at the desk. Great. So if all the kid screaming didn’t convince them we were the
epitome of immaturity and dysfunction, my unhinged banshee screams did. And if that wasn’t enough to shame me
for my ill-tempered outburst, there was that sweet, not-too-innocent
nine-year-old, all curled up with his little brother’s light-up stuffed animal
(likely stolen from him shortly after I left the room), snoring slightly with
his mouth wide open.
All kids are images of perfection when asleep. You can quote me on that one.
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